Freestyles: Barcelona, Spain

Go grab a Snickers bar or something. You’ll most likely need it for this-
-that and they taste awesome!

Some small, very basic information to get out of the way:
The ship we’re on is named the Norwegian Jade. Why they named it that, I will never know. The vessel is as large as these types of ships get, and has all the comforts (pools, casino, gym, theatre, expensive wi-fi, tennis court, all you can eat buffet, oversized chess board, etc). Due to some issue with Gastro-intestinal-something-something, the Jade is under martial law level sanitary security. Sanitizer machines are everywhere, as well as staff armed with squirt bottles, ready to hunt down the people (such as myself, for example) who think that the measures have gone a wee bit overboard. For the past three months, I’ve slept and eaten food in some extremely questionable locations. If I’m going to get Gastro-intestinal-something-something, it’s not going to be on this “ cleaned three times a day” cruiser.
The food has been of exceptional quality, and I tip my hat to the chefs (In a matter of words of course. The problem is I don’t have a hat to tip; so to physically tip my hat would be impossible. Therefore I will tip a theoretical hat, which I hope the chefs will understand is a sincere attempt at showing appreciation. Then again, I could probably just give them a tip or something, but handling money would greatly increase my chances of being infected by gastro-i-s-something, and that is a chance I simply can’t take).

Another surprise has been how entertaining the Jade has been on sea days. I was expecting most of my time to be spent with BSG, Kirby, Brain Age, and my book, but I was wrong. There have been plenty of things to keep me interested, such as Broadway style shows, comedians, magicians, live musicians, poker, chess, and bikini clad women dancing in conga lines, whilst simultaneously handing out $1,000.00 bills, “medium rare” sirloin steaks, and BSG toaster ovens.

I’ve always said that a great day is just a single conga line away. And by “always,” I of course mean “only just now.” And by “now,” I of course mean “every morning when I wake up.”

ROME:
Urge to watch the movie "Gladiator," rising.

As this was our first stop on the cruise, I wanted to show the old man how I’ve been doing things in Europe. Instead of going on a “get held up by people slower than you” tour, we decided to do “Rome on [Our] Own.” Once the bus brought us from the dock to the city, they dropped us of at the Colosseum and off we went. As a life long fan of the Romans, this place was simply off the edge fantastic. To that point, I had never been to a place with so much visual (ancient) history. Walking down 2500 year old streets, and to walk inside of buildings that have stood the brutal test of time against man and nature--is simply awe inspiring.

Due to limited time, the first half of our day in Rome was spent Metro hopping. With an unlimited day pass, we were able to see most of the big sites on the north-eastern portion of the city in rapid succession. The metro eventually took us to the Vatican, and from there we walked back to the pick up point. Ah the Vatican—I know that I’ve used the term “over the top luxury” a few times in this blog, but St. Peter’s Basilica is simply the champion in regards to excessive spending. First off, you could probably fly a small plane through this place. The design is extremely similar to the Pantheon in Paris (how many more times can I say “huge” in repetition?), but with even more scale. Quite honestly, you have to see it to believe it, and there is no combination of words in my weak vocabulary to truly describe how Brobdingnagian it was.

The primary list of sights visited is as follows:
The Colosseum, Piazza della Republica, Fontana del Tritone, Trinita del Monti, Piazza del Popolo, St. Peter’s Basilica, Castel Sant Angelo, Piazza del Tribunali, Piazza del Navone, The Pantheon, Fontana di Trevi, Foro di Traiano/Augusto/Caesare, Palatino, Arco di Constantino, and Circo Massimo.

The Colosseum was, of course, magnificent. It has always been amazing to me how, after two thousand years, this structure, gutted repeatedly for war supplies, is still standing. I find it highly improbable that any structure built today will still be standing in two millennia (let alone be seen as a tourist attraction). The Pantheon is another great example of how the Romans make us look like baboons running around with sticks. Not only is the building a technological masterpiece, but also it is completely functional. Outside of all the tourists, the structure could still technically be used for prayer. The star gazing hole in the roof is still uncovered, and due to some rain that day (it rained on and off all day), some water might have pooled on the floor. Why I say “might have” is because the Romans were smart people (unlike us baboons, one step from throwing poop at each other). They knew a large gaping hole in the roof would let in water; so they installed two little drainage holes in the floor, with the floor built slightly concave, to achieve superior drainage efficiency. The holes were still there, and they were still working.
Is it strange that the body of Raphael was buried not 20 metres from where I stood, that Roman kings and senators walked the very same floor, and that I was in one of the greatest architectural feats ever to be erected on the planet Earth--yet I was completely mesmerized at how two thousand year old plumbing still worked?

Yes--it is, and I’m a terrible person for it.

ATHENS:
Togas, olive trees, and lighting bolts.

Much like Rome, we had to bus in to the city from our port dock. This time however, we were part of a conventional tour. A large portion of our time was spent at the Acropolis and Parthenon, which were (broken record time!) amazing. To stand in these places is seriously like walking back in time. To even get up the monument requires passage through the Beule Gate, which is near the Propylaia, which used to serve as the original entrance to Athens. Near the Acropolis was the Erechtheion, which is decorated by six very famous statues (used as support columns for the ceiling). From atop the Acropolis, we could see almost all of Athens, which spans as far as the eye can see. We were also lucky enough to miss a hardcore storm by a few kilometres. On one side of us was a blue, sunny sky. On the other side of us was a thick, black, rainy storm. At one point (on the Acropolis), a single, deafening thunder blast shook the ground. After that one bolt--nothing.
I guess Zeus is big on pranks.

After we were done visiting the 2500 year old monument, the tour took us around town (via bus) to the temple of Zeus, and the original Greek Olympic Stadium. We were told that the stadium could hold up to 90,000 spectators, and every (visible) stone was a fine white marble. Yikes!

IZMIR:
Ever heard of this place? Me neither!

With no real attractions to visit, we once again took to the streets. Going in, I was slightly concerned about our security. Turkey is quite culturally different than any place I’ve yet to visit, but my security concerns were all for not. Out of all the street vendors (outside of the bazaar), the Turks win the “least pushy” award. If you say “no thank you,” that’s it, end of conversation. I specified a non-bazaar street vendor for one reason, which is that venturing into the bazaar, was like walking in to a whole new world.
In the Bazaar, there are no rules. I say no, they hear yes. I say yes, they hear yes, I throw flaming kittens at them as a distraction; they just try to sell me cooked cat meat. It goes without saying, but my hand was vice gripping my wallet the entire time.
The Bazaar was very much like a street side shopping mall. It was one long street, packed with people, which had smaller shops branching out from the main vein. There were these “shopping guides” who would occasionally try to get us to visit a particular store, regardless of what this store sold. I bought a few small things there, and each time I opened my wallet (ooooohhhh, ahhhhh, valuable Euros!), ten people would be looking over my shoulder to see how much cash I had (dad had similar experiences).

To quote Jerry Seinfeld in regards to my feelings of the bazaar experience:
“My main objective was to not--die.”

Outside of the bizarre bazaar, there were more mosques than any one man could shake a stick at, and there was much loudspeaker Arabic chanting to go along with them. We also paid visit to some ruins, but quite honestly, they kinda sucked. I’m sure they had some sort of significance, but they were in some real nasty (garbage filled) part of town, and were mostly rubble.

CAIRO:
Sand, and sand.

What can I say? The Pyramids certainly live up to their reputation.
Once again, we were taking part in a scheduled tour, and I’m glad we did. Not only was the guide informative, but we also had plenty of time to explore and have fun on our own. The first leg of the tour took us to the three largest Pyramids of Giza, as well as the Sphynx, which are all T-r-e-m-e-n-d-o-u-s.

I once again tip my theoretical hat to the minds behind the monuments, which I have been visiting on a fairly regular basis. They are the brilliant ones who understand that bigger is always better.
Bigger buildings, bigger boats, bigger boo...*cough*..…..oots (if you have big feet like me, this is an important factor!).
What else can I say? They’re big, they’re triangular, and they’re made of stone.

After thoroughly enjoying the Pyramids and the Sphynx, we made our way to the JEEP pick up point. It was there that the tour got separated into eight Jeeps, and made out into the desert, convoy style. For probably about 20 minutes we went up and down sand dunes, fish tailing around corners at great speeds while praying that the next ridge doesn’t end with a short drop and a sudden stop.
Once the Jeep fun was over, they dropped us off at yet another collection point (still in the desert). It was here that we locked down some blinged up camels for the ride back home. The camel ride was much slower, but 1000x more unique. Imagine that you’re in the middle of a desert; the great Pyramids of Giza are visible on the horizon to the north. The temperature is a cool 25 degrees Celsius, and a slight breeze blows by periodically. Your camel's name is 7-up, sways from side to side as you ride, and is surprisingly comfortable. There are twenty camels in front of you, and twenty behind. There is nothing but sand between you and your destination. You are me. You are Kyle. You are Kyle in—Africa.

You have come across a river that is four feet deep. Do you wish to cross?
Yes < - - -
No
Your crossing is a success, but for some reason 7-up dies of Dysentery.

VALLETTA:
Luxembourg City meets Rome meets some random island.

Our last stop on this cruise was the small little country of Malta, just south of Italy.
Originally colonized by Phoenicians and Carthaginians, and later controlled by the Romans, Arabs, Normans, French, Aragonese and Spanish. The most famous inhabitants were the Knights of the Order of St John, who were originally from Jerusalem. Turkish invaders attempted to capture Malta from the Knights in the mid 1500’s, but failed due to fierce resistance. When Napoleon invaded in 1790ish, the Knights surrendered without a fight, and in 1800, the British liberated the island. Due to its strategic location on the Mediterranean, Malta was bombed frequently in WWII by the Spanish and Germans, but there is a surprising lack of visual damage.

History lesson aside, Valletta was another location that we decided to take on without a tour, and wander on our own. The weather was perfect, and the city was small, and easy to navigate. I know dad’s favorite stop was the Church of St Paul’s Shipwreck, which was a relatively small church, yet (as the story goes) is in possession of the pillar, which St Peter was beheaded on.

Valletta had an amazing view from all angles, and most of the old fortifications were still in tact. Because I’m a huge nerd, I was constantly critiquing the value of particular fortification placement, cannon walls, towers, bastions, and general defensive strength. From the sea, the old town sector is protected by 80 metres of fortified rock face, which served as effective protection from invaders, as well as WWII bombing runs.

I would like to use these last few lines to thank dad for paying the way for this trip, as it allowed me to get exposure to things I would have never seen or done. He always kept pace, and was quick to learn the subtle nuances required for effective traveling (see: flaming kitten toss). It was a different experience to sight see with another person, for when I'm alone, every decision is make solely by me.

And now, I'm back to just me.

Kyle-not quite ready to run out the clock-out